How many of you can identify with the inner groan you suppress when you’re aware you’re about to be on the receiving end of another complaint? It could be a patient call transferred to your phone to voice a care concern, a fellow leader whose day has gone haywire and just texted a plea for support, or the employee standing shaking in frustration at your office door. Perhaps your day hasn’t been so spectacular either; you have complaints of your own. You feel like a freight train is headed right at you. You question if you have the energy left to respond to more negativity. What now? How can you be expected to give from nothing?
Pause and reflect. When was the last time you suppressed that groan? (Be honest—was it within the last hour?)
What if I told you there’s a way to build energy and connection in the midst of a negative circumstance (and reverse the sucking drain brought on by directing energy towards tackling the problem itself)? Ready to know the secret?
Building energy here is not about solving the complaint or the problem.
It’s about understanding and meeting an unmet need.
Feel before you fix.
Connect first.
As John Gottman stated, “Behind every complaint is a deep, personal longing.” My former colleague and friend, JoAnn Preston, used to coach that, at its root, conflict is about a need that’s not been met. Regardless of how you look at it, it’s not the outward projection of displeasure or disappointment that is truly at the core of the concern. It’s deeper. It comes from a void.
Our job as leaders in these trying moments is to push aside our natural need to fix and instead elevate our investigation skills. Get curious to understand the unspoken need. Why? Dancing with curiosity is invigorating and generates far more energy than wrestling with negativity. It also creates connection (another power boost for energy).
Those with complaints often don’t need fixing. They need release and to be heard. If we can direct our efforts to not only helping others feel truly heard, but ultimately understood, we will make leaps and bounds towards funneling our energy in more productive channels and build better relationships.
Here’s an example from my therapy leader days:
I would periodically field a call from a patient who was upset about their bill. Instead of going right into explanation of how the billing worked or defending why a certain charge was dropped, I would spend the bulk of the front end of the conversation listening. I would listen for the feeling, echo my understanding of their frustration and empathize with the complexity of navigating insurance. I would make no defense. As the patient continued, eventually the anger that they began the call with dissipated. I hadn’t reversed the charges or offered a fix. I hadn’t promised a thing. Even if I’d wanted to, often I couldn’t. Instead, I’d heard them out and recognized their need to express their frustration with a system they knew neither of us had the power to fix. Yes, they were worried about the expense. But what they wanted most was to know that on the other end of the line was a person who cared about them, about their experience, about their concern. That’s often all it took. Listening until the need for caring was met. (Feel before you fix. Connect first…) And the beauty was that I often left those conversations feeling better. So did they. Energy had gone up, not down.
The next time you feel the onslaught of complaint heading down your track, take a deep breath and ready yourself to jump on the train to feel the rushing breeze tickling your hair rather than standing on the tracks about to get flattened. Ride the complaint until you understand its destination—the need that’s not being met. Discover that’s how and where energy builds and connection thrives.
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“Empathy in leadership means understanding the struggles of those you serve.” - Unknown
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Explore these workshops and programs offered by our RWHC Education Team to improve your skills of meeting unmet needs:
- Conflict: Managing Difficult Conversations with Confidence
- Developing Compassion Through Empathy
- Service Recovery: In the Moment Responses to Patient Service Concerns
- Tell Me More: The Art of Giving & Receiving Feedback
- Trauma Informed Leadership
- Understanding & Developing Emotional Intelligence
- Inspiring Patient Trust - NEW
To learn more, visit: https://www.rwhc.com/Services/Educational-Services/Leadership-Series or email me at csearles@rwhc.com.
Consider joining our Leadership Bites program: https://www.rwhc.com/Services/Educational-Services/Leadership-Bites
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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Corrie Searles, MPT, Leadership Development Educator
In Corrie’s role as Leadership Development Educator at the Rural Wisconsin Health Cooperative (RWHC), her aim is to empower leaders—formal and informal—to create positive influence that enables others to serve well.
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