One of the priorities of our work as leaders is to grow our people. We expect those we serve to be receptive to coaching and feedback in order to recognize blind spots that hinder further achievement along their success journey. Let’s not forget that we too need growing, coaching, and that same opportunity for reflection.
Even if the input we receive isn’t delivered with the greatest of finesse, we still need it as leaders. Below are a few tips to help digest feedback that may be otherwise challenging to hear. To elevate our leadership performance, we must walk on S.T.I.L.T.S.
S See beyond the emotions
Raw or unfiltered feedback can really sting when it’s received. Reading tough input shared in employee engagement surveys about your leadership or hearing criticism in the heat of a tangled exchange can sometimes take your breath away. So, a breath is exactly what’s needed. Take a moment to inhale deeply. Then push aside the natural defensiveness that is likely present. Choose to look beyond your emotions (and theirs!) and listen intently for the true content of the message. Inevitably, there is a small element of truth buried in the context, a lesson you can learn from, something they can teach you. Don your detective hat and grab your magnifying glass to go look for that truth buried behind the emotion.
When have you received a “stinging” review? What element of truth existed beyond the emotion?
T Try to understand what motivates the criticism
Rather than defend your position, explore the other point of view first. Feedback is often much more of a reflection of the giver than the receiver. If they are sharing a difficult message about your performance, it’s likely there’s a need they have of you that’s not being met. Perhaps your values aren’t aligned with theirs. Maybe they aren’t feeling heard or empowered. Whatever it is, they are needing something different from you than you are currently providing. Lead with curiosity to understand what alteration in your behavior will satisfy the unspoken need they have of you. Make it safe for them to bring that undeclared need out in the open.
Consider the last time you had a conflict or someone offered a vague criticism of you. What unspoken need were they craving you to address?
I Indicate you have heard them
You don’t have to agree with their feedback. You do need to acknowledge its receipt and thank them for it. It may be as simple as saying, “I really appreciate your bravery in sharing that with me. I promise to reflect on what you’ve said.” If you’re in control of your emotions, you can also paraphrase what you believe they shared with you: “Thanks for giving me that feedback. To check my understanding, what you needed me to hear is… Am I on track?”
Create and practice a ready response now that you’d be comfortable to share in such a moment so you don’t have to think through the cloud of emotion in a future moment.
Take 3 minutes right now to edit this example in your own words:
“Thanks for giving me that feedback. To check my understanding, what you needed me to hear is… Am I on track?”
L Learn more
You may need to ask for more insight. Ask if they can provide a specific example. Often, they may share what they want you NOT to do, what they don’t like. That doesn’t always lend insight into what they’d wish you’d do instead. It’s okay to ask. “If I were better at _____, what behaviors or actions would you notice me doing differently?” Seek clarity about their needs. This helps you. It also helps them. Because when you start doing the very thing they indicated they needed, they’ll take notice.
If you ask them to describe what “good” would look like, they may struggle to answer. You can prompt further by saying, “When you’ve witnessed others interacting with you in a way that works well, what are they saying or doing that’s different than my current approach?” This may jump start the outline of what they’d like from you instead.
T Tell your side of the story
Before jumping in with explanation or defense of your actions, double check your motive. Telling your side should be less about arguing against their interpretation and more about offering clarity for the intent behind why you took such actions. People are often more upset by why they think you did what you did than by the actual behavior itself. If you can explain the positive intent by which you acted, that alone may resolve their concern. Try something like, “I’m so glad you said something. I can see why that landed as it did. It was actually my intent to _____, not to _____. I’m sorry it upset you. I will work on being clearer with my intent in the future.”
Recall the last time you felt the urge to defend your actions. Assuming you hadn’t acted with the intent to be disrespectful to prompt their offense, how could you have clarified the healthy motive you had for the actions you took?
S Seek a solution
The idea is to find a satisfactory resolution that you can live with and they too support. Remember, you’re trying to satisfy a need they have of you…but in a way you can feel good about. To show your faith in the relationship, you could ask for their thoughts first. “I welcome your thoughts on our next steps. What ideas do you have?” If you both are stuck, start with where you have common ground and work forward from there. “We’re struggling to identify just where to go from here. Let’s back up a bit. I know we both are committed to being respectful towards one another and having a good working relationship. If we start there, what would it take to…?”
The last time you received tough feedback, what did you hold as a mutual purpose with the other person involved? What could you both agree to wanting or needing?
Walking on stilts isn’t easy. I’ve actually tried it. It requires practice. So does receiving constructive feedback. The more we invite and respond to feedback as leaders, the stronger and more valuable we become in serving others.
___________
“The trick to viewing feedback as a gift is to be more worried about having blind spots than hearing about them.” – James Clear
___________
Explore these workshops and programs offered by our RWHC Education Team to improve your skills of Walking on S.T.I.L.T.S.:
- Tell Me More: The Art of Giving & Receiving Feedback
- Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
- Walk the Talk: Leadership Accountability
To learn more, visit: https://www.rwhc.com/Services/Educational-Services/Leadership-Series or email me at csearles@rwhc.com.
Consider joining our Leadership Bites program: https://www.rwhc.com/Services/Educational-Services/Leadership-Bites
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
 |
Corrie Searles, MPT, Leadership Development Educator
In Corrie’s role as Leadership Development Educator at the Rural Wisconsin Health Cooperative (RWHC), her aim is to empower leaders—formal and informal—to create positive influence that enables others to serve well.
|